What's Happened To Me?

I used to love dropping my kids off at school every morning. I loved seeing their little faces light up when they saw their friends and their teachers. I loved knowing they were safe and learning fun things and frankly, I loved the time to myself to get my work done. 

I don’t like dropping my kids off at school anymore. I don’t like thinking it might be the last time I see their faces light up. I don’t know they are safe and frankly, I don’t like wondering every time my cell phone rings if there is mass shooting at my kids school. 

Yes my anxiety has gotten the better of me. It didn’t happen immediately after the Sandy Hook shooting because I was still in complete denial but as we approach the one year anniversary of the shooting I now realize that it has. I find myself dropping my kids off at school as late as possible, smothering them with kisses, declarations of love and assurances that I will see them at pick up. I pull away slowly only after I see them close the school door behind them. I even strain my neck to see if I can see my youngest enter his classroom. 

What has happened to me? I used to promise after 9/11 that I wouldn’t allow myself to live in a world of fear. I wouldn’t change my lifestyle to bow to the people who sought to scare us. But look at me now. Why the change? I’ll tell you why. These school shootings have just hit way too close to home. My home. My children and my life. 

Look, I consider myself a realist. I know bad things happen to good people. I am not under the illusion that nothing bad will ever happen to me or my children but this is something else. Mass shootings in a school are just something else. Something unimaginable. Something unpredictable, it seems. And something I can’t handle. 

So what do I do now? For starters I breathe. I don’t allow my children to see my fear and I don’t allow my fear to stop me from doing the things I need to do. I have also decided to engage in the change that I see slowly starting. There are things I can do, however small, to help change what’s happening. Whatever your feeling about guns and gun control I think we can all agree that schools should be a safe zone for learning. So I am using my anxiety for good and found an organization I like and can channel my nerves constructively. 

I’m not going to lie. I still hate school drop off. I still get anxious and I still smoother my kids with kisses and I love you’s when they jump out of the car. But I am not going to let it all get the best of me. I am not going to crawl into a hole and wait for tragedy. Like I tell my kids constantly....be the solution, not the problem.