Starting with Thanksgiving, the winter holidays are a whirlwind of spending and forced good cheer in Massachusetts, but holiday stress dominates the season for many caregivers. Along with a disruption in their care routine comes a longer to-do list, plus relatives playing “Monday morning quarterback” by criticizing the caregiver’s choices. Sadness mingles with anxiety or loneliness at this time of year when you are a family caregiver.
But these feelings don’t have to dominate your Christmas or Hannukah. You can still enjoy the holidays!
Nine Holiday Stress Busters for Family Caregivers
Connect with Others. If you cannot travel and feel lonely or sad during the holidays, you can still connect to others during the holidays through volunteer activities, attending a tree lighting or other local religious events. On the other hand, If visiting relatives stresses you out, find ways to minimize these visits. For example, you may want to come for lunch instead of staying all day. Or you may offer to take just the youngest grandchild out to a holiday show with the parent in your care.
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Tell Family What to Expect. The caregiver may see his spouse or parent every day, but often relatives have no idea how the person’s independence or memory have declined. The primary caregiver can educate relatives before the holiday by e-mailing to update them on the person in care’s memory lapses, or their special needs such as using a walker or needing frequent glucose monitoring.
It’s OK to Say No. The holidays bring work parties, family outings, cooking and shopping for a crowd, bake sales and every manner of time and energy depleting “obligation”. As a caregiver your primary obligation is to keep yourself well and look after that family member in need. Remember the saying “the people that matter won’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter”? It’s OK to politely turn down holiday commitments, keeping the ones which are most important or most dear to you.
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Say Yes to a Helping Hand. Your spouse or parent may not be ready to accept daily home help from a private home care agency. That’s why there are also temporary home care and respite services available for those “crunch times” when taking that extra time to drive your parent to dialysis and wait, for example, are just not possible. Or, you can’t muster your usual level of patience for all your caregiving duties. It’s OK to say yes to short term help from a home care agency or trusted friend.
Create a Health Care List. You should already have a medication list for your loved one that goes everywhere they go (and a back-up on your computer). For the holidays, add any diet restrictions, daily care routines, doctor’s after-hours numbers and mention any health conditions you are watching (bruises, blood pressure). It will help you relax knowing that should you leave your parent in someone else’s care for a night, or be far from home, all the information they need is in one handy list.
Plan Ahead for Travel. When travelling with a disabled or older person, bear in mind that everything takes a lot longer. Travel is stressful enough without frantically searching for handicap access. Airlines and major hotels will make special provisions for wheelchair bound and elderly people, but they need advance notice. Disabled world has some great tips on making travelling with a disability easier.
Take Chill-Out Time. Taking 15 minutes to yourself may be all you need to get through a stressful occasion. When you feel overwhelmed, look forward to a few minutes alone with your favorite songs, stretching in spare room, or taking the dog for a walk.
Don’t Join the Blame Game. When someone in the family is battling a chronic illness like cancer, Alzheimer’s disease or is under the care of a relative, holiday stress can lead to heated arguments. The caregiver is the one who has to try and squash the blame game. Assure your family that suggestions can be aired, but blame will only make matters worse. If a family member cannot gain control of their anger, remind yourself that they are not walking in your shoes, and try not to engage by defending yourself to them.
Use Your Senses. “Christmas has left me empty. The season for joy and happiness has been haunted by the thought that this might be the last. Clarke has gone down hill in the last six months.” ~ from a caregiver forum (name changed).
While your “sense” of the passing of time may make you sad or anxious, use your other senses to lift your spirits. Some of the fondest holiday memories come from the smell of cinnamon and pine, the twinkling of holiday lights and candles, and playing music together. These are simple pleasures that can easily be shared with the person you are caring for, despite limits to their physical health, memory, diet or ability to communicate.
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As family dynamics begin to change, a bit more creative thought and planning will be needed to keep the winter holidays light and festive. You may have your own holiday stress busters to add. A bit of planning and simplifying is a great place to start.
Where to Go with the Holiday Blues in Metro-West Boston
- People mourning the loss of a loved one in Lexington, MA and other towns around Boston can find holiday bereavement support through the Visiting Nurse Association's VNA Care network,
- Hancock United Church of Lexington, MA is holding a “Blue Christmas” service on Monday, December 9th at 7:00 PM for those who wish to honor the holidays despite loss or hardship.